Totally can't believe that this happened. It literally played out like this. I was sittin' around somewhere, remembered that I had started this blog a year ago but couldn't remember when in March it was, a few days later thought of it again, logged in this time, looked at the date of my first post, and saw that it read "3/22/2012." I was like, "Whoa. No way."
So, I wasn't sure what to do in celebration of it. But at the same time, knew that I had to do something today and shouldn't really prolong the anniversaryic tone of today! Ahem, yeah I just made up a word.
I had an idea that I've seen one or two people use in the past; copy sections of posts that are in the top favorite "blog moments." Another idea was to copy sections of posts that have never been published; ones where I'm just sort of ranting about something.
Then at some point today I was washing my hands looking in the mirror and noticed the "lines creepin' across my face" and I thought a cool idea would be all the things that are different about me since that time that I wrote my first post. The unfortunate thing is that it took about a nanosecond to go through the past 365 days and not only not come up with anything that's different about me that's good, but to realize so many things about me that's the same that are not so good.
I know what your thinking, because I started to think the same thing. Oh Jason, please don't do your usual thing again where you only notice the flaws about you. Well the truth is that, I want to have something good to say, but...I just feel like if I did make a brainstorm list of all the great things I did and all the milestones I hit, I would be both (a) lying and (b) avoiding. And I don't wanna be that guy that makes everything sound better than it really is. And as much as that might occasionally make me, go against my wish, to not come across as taking myself too seriously, well, at the end of the day, it's my call. That's the beauty of it! So...in the time span of a year I still...
...worry about the future.
...wish for an opportunity to come along day after day; only to realize that when one presents itself I spend many agonizing weeks not actually doing anything with it, and instead pick it apart in all the ways that it just would not work out.
...catch myself wanting to carry the pain of others, something of which even just my own by itself is too heavy for me to try to lift.
...try to do everything myself without first (and sometimes never) asking for help.
...want so bad for everyone to love me.
...will gossip on occasion.
...won't like the way I look sometimes.
...won't like the way I sound a lot.
...hate the mistakes I've made as if I haven't been forgiven.
...and, well, I think I'll stop now. Obviously, I could go on and on, but I'm starting to remember that these are all things that don't really hold any power over me. Oh sure, they'll pop up from time to time, and always without warning. But I keep being reminded of the truth. The real truth. I'll take the same reminders all day every day for the rest of my life if that's what it takes. I still know that all that stuff above has nothing to do with who I am. And I'm walking more and more with that truth in mind. Huh. I guess that would be a good thing about me that's different.
Love you guys and it's been such a joy pouring my heart out to you for the past year! I look forward to many more.
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