Mason

Do you ever have those periods of time where you feel like you can't win?  Not just in the things around you; you know the common scene that I'm talking about:

You have a key that fell out of your hands in the dark right in front of you and even with your cell phone flashlight you can't even locate it and you think Why can't I win? and then when you get up the next morning to look for it it's under the driver seat because it was as you were getting out of your car that you dropped the key and it actually bounced off the hard plastic interior of your door and ricocheted back inside your car rendering your 10 minute search in the patch of grass you stopped by outside your car the night before totally and completely moot.

Yeah that happened to me, too; or at least a friend of mine.  Yeah, a friend of mine.  Mason.  Yeah, Mason.

But what did most definitely *cough* happen to me is I carried that lie of a question around with me for the past couple of months.  And it had nothing to do with anything going on outside of me.  It was all within.  Every bit of it.

What's crazy is that I didn't consciously choose this to happen.  It was able to happen all by itself.  Your fear and doubt, I've learned, can win the battle in your mind so fast that it's usually finished it's bloody work before you have a chance to even realize that it's begun.

There are so many things that happened in so many areas of my life in the past couple months that taught me the same lesson.  But the best example that epitomizes the whole picture is in something that happened at work.  Wow.  A lot seems to happen at work, doesn't it?  I realized this today as I was driving around town:  Everybody has different tastes and preferences on everything.  Everything!  But eventually, everybody goes to Wal-Mart no matter what.  Everybody.  Try this sometime.  Pick a store that you go to that no one else you know goes to.  Then next chance you get ask a friend if they've ever gone there.  If they say no, then ask them if they've ever been to Wal Mart.  Then feel free to report your findings.  I may need a chuckle at that moment.  You never know.

Okay, sorry, sorry, gotta stay focused on the topic at hand.

At work I tried to sell an account one day and as per yoozh--(that's my way of spelling the phrase "as per usual" when I'm only using the first two letters of the word "usual"...if you have a better spelling, again, I'm a holla-back guy, so...just dial)...ack! focus, focus--I got a "no."  Here's the butt-kicker:  I hear "no" ALL...the TIME.  All day every day, it's what I hear.  But for God-knows-what reason, this one killed me.  Like I got sick from it.  Physically sick to my stomach from this one "no."  It's amazing because I can so easily pick myself up and place myself back to that day and tell you everything I noticed.  I remember noting everyone else opening accounts and not me.  I was focused on what everyone else was doing, the success they were having.  I remember the individual that told me "no," actually said it in these words, "I'll come back soon," but unfortunately what I heard was the voice in my head over those words.  You wanna know what that voice said?  Yeah, yeah, they always say that.  And finally, I remember my boss's valiant effort to encourage me to smile as I was leaving to make just one more round in the store.  And my inability to respond in kind.

As weeks passed I began to let go of a lot of junk that had been accumulating for awhile; I know earlier I'd mentioned that so many areas of my life had been attacked by the lie I just can't win and I was beginning to experience the effects of honestly and truly letting go of the burden that just simply is not meant for me to carry.  And I began to experience joy again.  And I began to experience peace again.  And almost two months after that initial "no" and before I could even prepare myself for this, guess what happened.  Guess.  I'll give you three guesses but you'll only need one.

I was at my station helping our line of amazing customers and I look up and what do my eyes behold?: The account.  From two months ago.  Coming back to ask for me.  Two months later.

One of the things I've learned is that I never know if someone will come back or not.  So there's no reason to make myself sick over it.  Ever.

Drum Worm

Shewt.  I was really, really, really, really, ridiculously squared away for about two weeks.  I was exercising, getting ready for my first half marathon or "sprint" distance triathlon.  Then something happened in that same amount of time.  My homework for my classes really, really, really, really, ridiculously suffered.  When I say suffered, what I mean by that is turning in my assignments not even 100% finished so that I don't get counted off for being late, too.  Guh.  I'm not sure how I can really juggle both things that obviously both demand a very large chunk of time for me to be totally committed to.

Maybe I'm not supposed to.  Maybe I'm not supposed to be able to.  I'm not really sure; but I do know that since taking a look at my grades, and realizing that I need to be able to set aside more time to do my homework and do it right, and therefore not having any time to be able to do a workout that is really focused on getting me a lot stronger and leaner than I am now, it's been a challenge to learn to be okay with it.  Again, this all goes back to one of my fundamental flaws of wanting to see and feel a difference out of my efforts a little too quickly than what I should realistically and responsibly allow.

I'm probably at some point going to learn how I can truly balance everything that I'm wanting to work towards in my life to be able to successfully do it all simultaneously.

Oh, and don't fret, my grades didn't really suffer THAT much, I was just wanting to reference Zoolander twice in the same blog instead of just a wobbly once.  And my plan, Lord willing, is to still prepare for all of these races, but I just had to pump the brakes on the workouts very temporarily til I can get a better grip on it all.  Okay, now I'm off!....baaack to the books.

Fun fact:  The post title is the name I gave to my Kindle that my beloved in-laws gave to me.  It's like "bookworm."  But I play drums.  Isn't that witty?!

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.

Today I swam for the first time in years.  As I was trying to get everything down right as far as the basics like breathing and stroke, etc., I kept getting distracted by little things like water getting in my eyes or getting dangerously close to inhaling some and then actually accidentally swallowing a little bit.  I started to be reminded of what I hear about Navy Seals.  I'm not sure if this is true, but I heard that they purposely drown you and then resuscitate you.  Maybe it's the Army Rangers or Special Forces.  I'm not sure.  Unfortunately, though, what I am thoroughly convinced of is that I have a deep-rooted fear of water that I will need to get over if I'm going to do this Ironman business.  Granted I've already ascertained that most of what's got me so inhibited is simply a lack of time in the water; which of course, the cure for is a LOT of time in the water.

My plan is to start with the absolute most basic stuff I can imagine.  Just keeping my head in the water, completely motionless and just practice breathing out; getting myself familiar and comfortable with what it feels like to exhale a long breath with my head not only in the water, but also facing down as if I was in the swimming position.  Then I'll try small segments of time where I position myself to swim, do a few strokes with my arms while I exhale, then stop, stand back up, focus, and do that again.

It's all about baby steps.  When I'm frustrated that it's so awkward after just one day I have to remember that it's water.  And how often am I in water? At least, in this context?  Answer?  Never.  So of course it's going to take a LOT of time in the water for it to be comfortable, let alone not awkward.

I guess this post was mostly for me.  I always want instant results, but if I think about it, I know that allowing time to run it's course really is the only way to go.  As long as I'm running with it.

Bye the bye.  I hope Finding Nemo is in your head all day now, thanks to my post title.  Tootles!

A glimpse into heaven

Something happened to me at work today that I will never forget.  I was doing my regular deal walkin' around the store greeting customers.  Got to the deli and bakery section and there was a kid in a wheelchair sitting in a peculiar position due to physical handicap.  He suffered from a mental one, too.  At least that was the way I used to think of it.  Our conversation changed that perception for me for the rest of my life.  His speech wasn't the smoothest out there and so everything that he said you could tell it was well worth it to him to say.

I was talking for a minute to some workers behind the counter; turned around to leave and backtrack toward the bank and he rolled up in his wheelchair.  He asked me my name and I told him.  Then I asked him his.  He stumbled through it.  Then he told me he was 20 years old.  Impressive, I thought.  Good for him.  Then he said that he wanted to be my friend.  I told him that I would love that.  I could see his mom still up close to the counter looking back taking note of our conversation, but still staying mostly focused on what she was doing there. I better get back to work, I thought.  I started trying to slowly move away to gesture that our conversation was coming to a close.  He continued, "Will you be my friend?" each word coming out one second at a time.

I told him I would love to be his friend.  There was a light in his eyes that I've never seen before at such simple words.  His entire face and countenance beamed like I would imagine I would look like if I had just won both showcase showdowns on The Price Is Right.  He said that he's looking forward...he's looking forward to being friends with me for the rest of his life...and then...without skipping a beat; without one moment of doubt or hesitation in his spirit, he said, "...and also when we get to heaven."

Tears.  Even as I'm sitting here typing this, almost.  But certainly as I stood there completely taken prisoner by the faith, hope, and love in that young man.  We talked a little bit after that but I honestly don't remember what was said.  Eventually his mom finished what she was doing at the counter and I made sure to tell her that what just happened made my entire day, week, month, year,...whatever.  It's not important.  Here's what is.  I'll never forget him.  Ever.  He'll be one of the first ones I look for on that day.

Do-re-mi!

It's been a pretty heavy past couple of weeks; not to mention a couple of ummm...fairly and increasingly heavy blog posts.  I even started a couple of them just now and reading over them thought: Duuuuuude, that's HEAVY!  No one wants to read all that!

I wanna put one together that's a little bit on the lighter side.  I'm kind of a melancholy guy and so anything that I put on cyber-paper will automatically not come through as simple honest musings like I would intend but rather would just come through as me feeling just a tee-nincey-tiny bit sorry for myself.  So I'm gonna tell ya'll about my month with lots of excitement!  With my old pal, the exclamation point, to assist me to that end!

My ma is heading home to Idaho tomorrow and what an amazing experience it was to see her and spend just a little bit of time with her.  It was so cool.  Even though I had to work a majority of the duration of her visit; it's almost like that actually made it even more special.  We had lunch together every day.  Even brown-bagging it at the stone tables outside by the Wal-Mart pharmacy!  Eating as we were serenaded by the constant melody of the techs from inside, "Dropping off or picking up?  Dropping off or picking up?"  I'd get off work and she was there at the house having been able to spend the entire rest of the day with Beth and the Bobbin.  We'd spend a few more hours together each night having dinner and just talking til I did the normal Jason thing and conked out!

I also got to spend some quality time with our bestest buds from Tyler-but-living-for-the-time-being-in-Abilene.  Whenever they come to visit home, for some reason or another, I am kept from being able to reconnect.  This time I was able to and after a year of them being gone, picking up from where we left off was still just like yesterday.  It was G-r-r-r-reat!

I've been working at my job for the past nine months.  Time has been going by so fast!  It's been such an amazing experience!  I've been given such an incredible shot to learn and grow and be coached by some really stand-up folks.  We had a meeting after work one night in May; and by the end of it I felt so rejuvenated simply about the way we...tsk, I almost gave it a technical and boring name like "operate," but nope, I'ma gonna just say it like it really is: The way we roll.  I was pretty pumped over the fresh reminder I received that night about the way we roll.

That's pretty much my month!  How was yours?