I just realized something. I have SO many people that I like to follow and just catch up with what they're up to. And their stuff is so incredibly inspiring and encouraging that I just can't get enough of it--sometimes.
Do you ever wake up in the morning and ask yourself what you're doing to inspire and encourage? All of the things I read so that I can extract something that I can take with me in my daily activity. But how effective am I in doing the same thing? How much time do I commit to doing the same thing? Why is it even that big of a deal for me? Why do I want it to be that way so bad?
These are the questions I ask. Plus a lot more. But a thought occurred to me this morning as I realized that I am still working to hear someone say, "Well done." That constant approval. How do I know this? Because all I can think about is the way someone else is living out his or her life to the fullest and how I can model what I'm doing after that.
In other words I'm still afraid to be me and to just throw myself out there with everything I've got and not be afraid of someone left in the wake of that only to go home and say something bad about me.
I'm kind of all over the place I suppose, but I guess I'll just have to take a mulligan with this one.
One final thought and then I'll close. I feel like I'm about to start, like Jon Acuff says, to "do work that matters and punch fear in the face." It may be all of a sudden or gradual, I don't know. Then again it's probably already begun.
Man! All over the place with this one.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Saturday, March 23, 2013
One year old
Totally can't believe that this happened. It literally played out like this. I was sittin' around somewhere, remembered that I had started this blog a year ago but couldn't remember when in March it was, a few days later thought of it again, logged in this time, looked at the date of my first post, and saw that it read "3/22/2012." I was like, "Whoa. No way."
So, I wasn't sure what to do in celebration of it. But at the same time, knew that I had to do something today and shouldn't really prolong the anniversaryic tone of today! Ahem, yeah I just made up a word.
I had an idea that I've seen one or two people use in the past; copy sections of posts that are in the top favorite "blog moments." Another idea was to copy sections of posts that have never been published; ones where I'm just sort of ranting about something.
Then at some point today I was washing my hands looking in the mirror and noticed the "lines creepin' across my face" and I thought a cool idea would be all the things that are different about me since that time that I wrote my first post. The unfortunate thing is that it took about a nanosecond to go through the past 365 days and not only not come up with anything that's different about me that's good, but to realize so many things about me that's the same that are not so good.
I know what your thinking, because I started to think the same thing. Oh Jason, please don't do your usual thing again where you only notice the flaws about you. Well the truth is that, I want to have something good to say, but...I just feel like if I did make a brainstorm list of all the great things I did and all the milestones I hit, I would be both (a) lying and (b) avoiding. And I don't wanna be that guy that makes everything sound better than it really is. And as much as that might occasionally make me, go against my wish, to not come across as taking myself too seriously, well, at the end of the day, it's my call. That's the beauty of it! So...in the time span of a year I still...
...worry about the future.
...wish for an opportunity to come along day after day; only to realize that when one presents itself I spend many agonizing weeks not actually doing anything with it, and instead pick it apart in all the ways that it just would not work out.
...catch myself wanting to carry the pain of others, something of which even just my own by itself is too heavy for me to try to lift.
...try to do everything myself without first (and sometimes never) asking for help.
...want so bad for everyone to love me.
...will gossip on occasion.
...won't like the way I look sometimes.
...won't like the way I sound a lot.
...hate the mistakes I've made as if I haven't been forgiven.
...and, well, I think I'll stop now. Obviously, I could go on and on, but I'm starting to remember that these are all things that don't really hold any power over me. Oh sure, they'll pop up from time to time, and always without warning. But I keep being reminded of the truth. The real truth. I'll take the same reminders all day every day for the rest of my life if that's what it takes. I still know that all that stuff above has nothing to do with who I am. And I'm walking more and more with that truth in mind. Huh. I guess that would be a good thing about me that's different.
Love you guys and it's been such a joy pouring my heart out to you for the past year! I look forward to many more.
So, I wasn't sure what to do in celebration of it. But at the same time, knew that I had to do something today and shouldn't really prolong the anniversaryic tone of today! Ahem, yeah I just made up a word.
I had an idea that I've seen one or two people use in the past; copy sections of posts that are in the top favorite "blog moments." Another idea was to copy sections of posts that have never been published; ones where I'm just sort of ranting about something.
Then at some point today I was washing my hands looking in the mirror and noticed the "lines creepin' across my face" and I thought a cool idea would be all the things that are different about me since that time that I wrote my first post. The unfortunate thing is that it took about a nanosecond to go through the past 365 days and not only not come up with anything that's different about me that's good, but to realize so many things about me that's the same that are not so good.
I know what your thinking, because I started to think the same thing. Oh Jason, please don't do your usual thing again where you only notice the flaws about you. Well the truth is that, I want to have something good to say, but...I just feel like if I did make a brainstorm list of all the great things I did and all the milestones I hit, I would be both (a) lying and (b) avoiding. And I don't wanna be that guy that makes everything sound better than it really is. And as much as that might occasionally make me, go against my wish, to not come across as taking myself too seriously, well, at the end of the day, it's my call. That's the beauty of it! So...in the time span of a year I still...
...worry about the future.
...wish for an opportunity to come along day after day; only to realize that when one presents itself I spend many agonizing weeks not actually doing anything with it, and instead pick it apart in all the ways that it just would not work out.
...catch myself wanting to carry the pain of others, something of which even just my own by itself is too heavy for me to try to lift.
...try to do everything myself without first (and sometimes never) asking for help.
...want so bad for everyone to love me.
...will gossip on occasion.
...won't like the way I look sometimes.
...won't like the way I sound a lot.
...hate the mistakes I've made as if I haven't been forgiven.
...and, well, I think I'll stop now. Obviously, I could go on and on, but I'm starting to remember that these are all things that don't really hold any power over me. Oh sure, they'll pop up from time to time, and always without warning. But I keep being reminded of the truth. The real truth. I'll take the same reminders all day every day for the rest of my life if that's what it takes. I still know that all that stuff above has nothing to do with who I am. And I'm walking more and more with that truth in mind. Huh. I guess that would be a good thing about me that's different.
Love you guys and it's been such a joy pouring my heart out to you for the past year! I look forward to many more.
Friday, March 15, 2013
The next 52.
Something kind of funny happens whenever you don't blog for awhile. You kinda feel it wither. As the days turn to weeks it nags you more and more that you haven't put another literary masterpiece out there for everyone to enjoy. (Now you see why I use the 2nd person pronoun).
Well, it's late, I'm tired so I'm going to give the next 52 days a real quick rundown. Here they are:
Financial
Keep track of every dollar that I make on my part time job (using a spreadsheet).
Physical
Eat breakfast every morning.
Social
Invite a (homeboy) friend to join me for lunch once a week.
Mental
Limit myself to one movie (or two episodes of a TV show) a week.
Career
Continue to work on the lead I have from last month (more details on that when the time is right.)
Family
Kiss Beth and Selah every day before leaving for work and every night before I go to bed.
Spiritual
Sponsor someone for the next Road Adventure Seminar in Tyler.
This is going to be very fun! I can't wait to get started tomorrow!
Well, it's late, I'm tired so I'm going to give the next 52 days a real quick rundown. Here they are:
Financial
Keep track of every dollar that I make on my part time job (using a spreadsheet).
Physical
Eat breakfast every morning.
Social
Invite a (homeboy) friend to join me for lunch once a week.
Mental
Limit myself to one movie (or two episodes of a TV show) a week.
Career
Continue to work on the lead I have from last month (more details on that when the time is right.)
Family
Kiss Beth and Selah every day before leaving for work and every night before I go to bed.
Spiritual
Sponsor someone for the next Road Adventure Seminar in Tyler.
This is going to be very fun! I can't wait to get started tomorrow!
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